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X-Men First Class: Summary

Erik:  *very sad life in concentration camp*
Nazi Kevin Bacon:  *eats chocolate, shoots Erik's mother*
Erik:  *screams in anguish*  LOGO MAKES U SHIT URSELF WITH EXCITEMENT
Erik:  *Is now Michael Fassbender* im gonna fukcign KILL kevin bacon *continues to sit sexually on bed in damp bathrobe*  MEANWHILE
Charles:  *seems to be perpetually slightly drunk, flirting*
Raven:  *cockblocks, saving Charles from continued embarrassment*
Raven:  fucking nerd  MEANWHILE
Moira MacTaggert:  *strips down unnecessarily, exists in this movie unnecessarily*
Shaw:  *no longer eating chocolate, no longer speaking german, still kevin bacon*
Emma Frost:  *is a mutant queen*
Moira:  o FUCK I better call that charles twink  iN ARGENTINA
Erik:  *wears fedora, drinks beer, murders 3 people*
Erik:  I'm so fucking badass  BACK IN ENGLAND, CHARLES DRINKS BEER SEXUALLY, CONTINUES TO BE SLIGHTLY DRUNK
Moira:  heyo small mutant man we need u because plot
Charles:  yea ok i'll leave my life and teaching job here at FUCKING OXFORD because plot
CIA men:  pftt we don't trust this british guy with his tweed suit
Charles:  you fUCKED UP
CIA men:  tru  CHARLES, THE CIA, AND ERIK CONVERGE ON SHAW'S YACHT SIMULTANEOUSLY BECAUSE PLOT
Charles:  there's a man, a hot man in the water *dives in like a thirsty hoe*
Erik:  nice
Charles:  nice
Erik:  nice
Charles:  nice
Raven:  fucking nerds  LATER
CIA men:  here's a facility and a young whippersnapper scientist for u
Hank:  *is outed as a mutant*
Charles:  it gets better
Hank:  here is a very convenient early prototype of cerebro i just threw together in my spare time
Charles:  *comments about his hair*
Erik:  *checks out charles' butt ad infinitum*  CHARLES AND ERIK EMBARK ON AN EXTREMELY HOMOSEXUAL RECRUITMENT ROADTRIP, SET TO SOME FUNKY TUNES
Wolverine:  go fuck yourselves
Erik:  k
Charles:  k
Erik:  hey babe we have kids now, what do
Charles:  i trust them, they'll be fine
Mutants:  *break window, destroy statue*
Charles:  ur fucking grounded  CHARLES, ERIK, AND MOIRA GO TO RUSSIA TO LOOK FOR SHAW BUT ONLY FIND EMMA FROST
Emma:  yea Shaw is gonna start WWIII and it's 'president shaw' now btw
Erik:  fUKC NO
Charles:  calm ur mind babe, look at my cute fingerless gloves
Erik:  no charles, no, this is TOO MCUH  SHAW BREAKS INTO THE CIA FACILITY AND KILLS DARWIN IN FRONT OF HIS GAY LOVER, HAVOK, BEFORE DISAPPEARING
Charles:  this is the fuKCING END. come to my sick ass mansion children, papa will teach u  THE MUTANTS ARE TRAINED
Raven:  hey erik let's fuck even though ur obvs into charles and i'm obvs into hank but hey this was in the script so let's fuck
Erik:  i will accept but only under the guise of 'self acceptance' and bc it's in the script  *forced kiss*
Raven:  *walks into kitchen naked*
Charles:  oh LORD ABOVE CHRISST ALMIGHTY MY EYES OH RAVEN PLEASE COVER YOUR BODY  DISTRAUGHT FROM REJECTION, HANK ATTEMPTS TO CURE HIMSELF WITH AN AMATEUR SERUM HE CREATED AND DIDN'T APPEAR TO TEST. UNSURPRISINGLY IT GOES WRONG AND HANK BECOMES BEAST, BUT HE WAS ALSO //PREPARED FOR THE CUBAN MISSILE CRISIS// BECAUSE PLOT
Erik:  *looks at charles* that twink...hes wearing tight jumpsuit *conceals boner*
Hank:  ARE YOU READY TO FUCKING FLY????1?  EXTENDED BATTLE SEQUENCE WHERE ALL MUTANTS GET TO USE THEIR POWERS, DRAMATIC SOUNDTRACK
Erik:  *boards Shaw's submarine* i fuckin got u now
Shaw:  fuck
Erik:  hey im just gonna take this rly convenient helmet u made that will keep my bf out of my head, thanks
Charles:  hey FUCK you and FUCK the police
Erik:  I'm....i'm gonna kill the humans for u bae  MOIRA BEGINS SHOOTING, AND ERIK //HAS// TO DEFLECT THE BULLET INEFFICIENTLY, PARALYZING HIS LOVER
Erik:  *cradling his small lover*
Charles:  *single tear* if you love soemthing, let it go  ERIK TELEPORTS AWAY WIT H HIS MINIONS
Charles:  that fucker, he wasn't supposed to acTUALLY do that.
Moira:  *kisses charles* *oh why the fuck did ths happen is was so forced and arbitrary but hey look NO HOMO IN THIS MOVIE NO HOMO SEE CHARLES AND ERIK ARE THE HETEROSTRAIGHT YES*
Erik:  I'm magneto now. magnet-o
Matthew Vaughn:  you're welcome, i have revitalized the entire franchise/fanbase
Anonymous: hey my girlfriend asked me to give her oral sex but how do I do it?? c:

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tacoarmy:

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